


In the Lost and Found

by paradiamond



Category: Sense8 (TV)
Genre: Fixing things, Gen, Guess what time it is, Guilt, Jonas POV, Jonas as the father of the cluster, Multi, Post-Rescue, That's right kids, denial time, family themes, hella morally grey Jonas, no BPO, no evil Jonas, sensate terminology leading to some confusion, the Cluster™
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-05
Packaged: 2018-11-09 11:19:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,369
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11103510
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/paradiamond/pseuds/paradiamond
Summary: Jonas is the father of the cluster. After they rescue him from BPO, they realize this, and realize that Jonas, potentially, has nothing left but them. Jonas has mixed feelings about admitting his role, but is given the time to unpack them all with each one of his children.





	In the Lost and Found

**Author's Note:**

> This was started in between seasons 1 and 2 and just now resurrected and finished. As such, it doesn’t really have a place in the canon timeline and combines elements of both seasons ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ alas.

Jonas comes back to himself in flashes of conversation and pieces of memories. It’s not the gradual slide back into consciousness that comes from waking up peacefully or even the sharp jolt of being shaken awake by a nightmare, but the disconnected bubbling back to life that comes from being sedated for a long time. 

Instinctively, he cringes away from the inevitability of Whispers’ intrusion into his mind even as the relief at being alive again hits him, coupled with the fear creeping down his spine as he braces himself for another shock. But it never comes. 

He turns his head slightly, the only movement he can manage in this early stage, and realizes that he’s feeling the sun on his face. He must have slipped into a more friendly mind, one in a better place. At least one of them, one of his children, is in the sun. Jonas wants to smile, but he can’t yet. 

“I think he’s waking up,” someone whispers, the voice achingly familiar. 

Jonas stops breathing. _Nomi._ A riot of emotions wash through him as he struggles to stay calm. He still can’t move, but quickly realizes that it’s just the aftereffects of the drugs; for some reason, he’s not physically restrained. 

Someone touches his hand. “Are you sure?” 

Jonas knows this one too, would know him anywhere. 

_Capheus._

Nomi sighs. “No. But get the others.” 

“We’re here.” 

_Lito._

Jonas takes in a sharp breath and manages to open his eyes at last. Ceiling, light, a fan. He turns his head and sees that the room is small, and made even smaller by the fact that it’s filled to capacity by them. All of them. He blinks, shocked. 

“Hi Jonas,” Riley says, lightly setting herself down on the bed. She smiles at him and his throat closes up. He wants to tell them to run, to get away from him before Whispers’ comes back, but he can’t. Riley reaches up to push his hair away from his face. “It’s ok.” 

“No,” Jonas manages, but then it’s Sun sitting there instead, her hand on his shoulder now, firm and comforting all at once. She’s still wearing her prison jumpsuit and she still looks beautiful. 

“It’s done, Jonas. He’s gone,” Sun says, and doesn’t smile. “Whispers is dead.” 

She might as well have told him the moon fell out of the sky while he was away. Jonas frowns and turns his head towards the others, though he can feel their belief in Sun’s words. Capheus stands at the foot of the bed with Nomi by his side, staring at him intently, more seriously than Jonas is used to seeing him. Wolfgang is sitting backwards in the desk chair, arms folded, unblinking. He and nods at Jonas when he looks his way, his eyes softening somewhat but retaining their intensity. On the other side of the room, Kala and Lito are near the window, both fidgeting with their hands in the exact same way. Will and Riley are by the door, holding hands. Riley smile at him encouragingly and he thinks Will does too. Jonas tries to smile at Riley. He avoids Will’s eyes, the guilt making him sick to his stomach. 

That he was wrong is obvious. Jonas takes a deep breath. “What happened?” 

“We killed Whispers and rescued you. You can hear all about it later. Right now you need rest,” Kala says, matter of fact, as she appears by his side to take hold of his arm, clearly taking his pulse, but Jonas slides his arm away to hold her hand. He can’t help it. She gives him a stern look that she can’t maintain for long and wraps her other hand around his as well before she glances at Wolfgang, who sits in the chair on the other side and takes Jonas’ pulse for her. 

“Not bad.” Wolfgang pats him lightly, and awkwardly, on the shoulder. “I think you’ll live.” 

Capheus and Nomi both smile but Lito looks horrified. “He almost _died_ Wolfgang, it is not funny.” 

Jonas smiles, relaxing into the bed. “It’s ok, Lito.” 

“Yes Lito, lighten up. He’s going to be fine.” Capheus drops onto the bed with a grin, making Jonas bounce and hiss with pain. Capheus gasps and flickers out of sight, replaced by Nomi in a flash. “Ah! Sorry!” 

“It’s ok,” Jonas says again, wheezing. Capheus is on the other side of the room now with Wolfgang, who Jonas hadn’t noticed leave, and Riley sits down where he had been before much more carefully. 

The room is a subtle wave of movement and emotion. Lito is glaring at Capheus, as is Kala, still by his side. Wolfgang and Sun are openly smirking. Jonas doesn’t know what to feel, the sensation of experiencing so many people at once after such a long time overwhelming him easily. Kala squeezes his hand and he squeezes back before she stands up. 

“Alright, I think that’s enough excitement for the sick man,” Nomi says, and several of them begin to complain, though Jonas notices that Kala, Wolfgang, and Sun leave straight away. 

Jonas regains himself. “I think I’m actually the injured man.” 

“The very injured man,” Capheus says and moves to hover near the bed, pointedly not touching it at all. “I am sorry again.” 

“Really Capheus, it’s all fine.” Jonas manages to raise his arm all the way up to clasp Capheus’ hand, though it shakes with the effort. “Give my regards to your mother please.” 

Capheus’ smile could warm anyone’s heart. “I will.” Then he’s gone. 

Lito clears his throat and Jonas looks over at him. “Thank you, Lito.” 

“For what?”

“Looking out for me,” Jonas says, and makes sure the others feel his gratitude too. 

Lito smiles. “You have looked out for us, now it is our turn. Goodbye soldier.” He makes a gun with his thumb and forefinger and mimes shooting at him and immediately looks mortified. Then he vanishes too. 

Jonas turns back to Riley, amused and curious. “Did I get shot?”

Riley’s eyes dance. “Only a little.” She leans down to kiss his forehead and has vanished before she leans away again. 

Feeling a little braver and a lot better than he did before, Jonas risks a glance at the door, but Will is already gone. 

He turns back to Nomi with only a little regret. “What about you?” 

“Me?” Nomi raises an eyebrow at him. “I live here.” 

***

He dreams about Angelica. 

They’re sitting on a beach and on a bench, just enjoying each other’s company. Her hair is wild in the wind, streaming back behind her in a wave and then changing direction to get in her face. He reaches over and sweeps it behind her ear, and she smiles at him. Then she vanishes, and he cannot feel her in his mind, cannot reach her again. 

Jonas wakes up with tear tracks on his face. It’s dark out now. He wipes and hand over his cheeks and swings his feet over the side of the bed. Dizziness threatens to overwhelm him, but he takes a deep breath in preparation to stand. He needs to find out what’s going on in order to set things right. 

Before he can stand, the door bangs open. “Nope! Back down, boy.” 

Jonas jolts and tries to turn but immediately gets hit by a wave of pain from his shoulder. He’s expecting Sun from the tone, or maybe Lito from the enthusiasm, but it’s none of the cluster. Instead he finds himself headed off by a beautiful woman with dark skin and bright eyes who smiles down at him. 

Jonas leans away, startled to find someone he doesn’t know. “Ah- my apologies.” 

“No problem. I’m Amanita. Nomi’s better half,” she says, walking around to where Jonas can see her better. “And you’re not going anywhere.” 

“Of course, I remember now.” 

She puts her hands on her hips and looks down at him. “Fantastic. It’s nice to actually get to talk to one of Nomi’s friends for once by the way, but I digress. Back in the bed with you then.” 

“Very well.” He goes without complaining. “I didn’t feel this much pain before.” 

Amanita hums. “Well you had way more drugs before, so that makes sense.” 

Jonas sends her a strained smile. “I can tell. I hate to ask but do you have any more? The bullet wound is making itself more apparent by the second.” 

“We have plenty,” Nomi says from the doorway and they both turn in her direction. She holds up a plain paper bag that Amanita darts over and takes. She’s a flurry of movement around Nomi’s stillness, opening bottles and all but flying to the bathroom, and Nomi tracks her every move with a pleased smile. Even if Amanita hadn’t said anything, he would know who they are to each other. The love Nomi has for her shines through her every glances, and Jonas can’t help but like her be association as she drops three pills in his hand. 

“Woah there,” she says as he takes them dry and sends Nomi a wide eyed look, who just shrugs. “I guess at a certain point you’ll take anything right? Want this anyway?” She holds the glass of water out to him and he takes it. 

“Thank you,” Nomi says and Amanita smiles. Jonas echoes her quietly, still watching. 

Amanita’s smile could light up a room. “No problem, I do have to go to work though.” 

“Course.” Nomi makes room for her in the doorway, but takes her arm as she passes to press a kiss to her cheek. Amanita turns her head at the last second, catching her lips. She breaks away and winks at Jonas before leaving for good. Nomi watches her go. 

“Congratulations, she’s quite the woman.” 

Nomi turns back to Jonas, a pleased look in her eye. “I know, thank you.” 

“ _Thank you_ , I believe I would be dead if not for you.” 

Nomi walks over to sit by his bed. “If not for all of us.”

Jonas inclines his head. “That is what I meant.” 

“I guess that goes without saying now.” Nomi smiles. 

“It does.” He looks around to the window, taking note of the scenery for the first time. “I suppose I’m in the U.S.?” 

“Yes.” 

“Is that safe for you? I’m a wanted man.” 

Nomi shrugs. “Kind of.” 

Jonas huffs out a laugh. “Ah. What did you do?”

“Just a few things.” A smirk spreads slowly across her face and Jonas narrowly resists the urge to roll his eyes, amused in spite of himself. 

“Will you tell me what happened now?” 

“There’s not that much to tell. Wolfgang needed to get out of Germany anyway, so he did most of the physical part. I was obviously tech support. We all helped, but poor Will had a super fun few months of sedation and sensory deprivation.” 

_A few months._ Jonas winces and settles against the pillows. “I can imagine.” 

Nomi nods seriously. “I know you can. He was a trooper though.” 

“I’m sure.” Jonas smiles at her. “So were you.” 

“Thanks, dad,” Nomi says, deliberately, but Jonas keeps his expression neutral. 

“Pardon?”

“Right.” She sends him a witheringly unimpressed look. “Why did you lead us to believe that Angelica was our mother? The one that birthed us, I mean.” 

He briefly considers lying again and then dismisses it. There’s no point. “I didn’t want you focusing on me when you needed to be protecting each other.” 

“Aren’t you one of us?”

“In a way.” Jonas tries to smile but he’s sure it comes out as more of a grimace. “But not really, just as I’m not truly your father.” 

Nomi arches one eyebrow. “Oh I know. Trust me, my real father is a real ass. But the point still stands.” 

Jonas looks away. “I suppose it does.” He starts with a jolt when Nomi lays her hand on his, but then he lets himself relax. After so long, though Jonas supposes it wasn’t all that long after all, of fearing touch and talking and everything else, this simple gesture is wonderful. 

“Jonas. I’m glad we found you.” 

“So am I.” He studies her, beautiful and fierce and at risk. His daughter, in some ways. “You still need to be careful.” 

Nomi nods and leans away. “Sure, but you still need to recover. Don’t worry about it so much.” 

Jonas smiles tightly. “Alright.” 

“Alright.” Nomi stands again. “I have to check on the food and do some stuff. I’ll come back later?” 

At the mention of food Jonas’ stomach growls and they both laugh. It’s such a normal thing to have happen that he lets himself really relax for the first time. Whispers is dead. Jonas is free, for now. He nods and Nomi stands again, but she leaves the door cracked. Jonas leans his head against the wall and stares after her. 

“But I’ll always worry.” 

***

Lito is the first to return, which surprises Jonas somewhat. He expected Riley, or maybe Kala, but it’s Lito who he sees when he looks up from one of the many books Nomi had piled on his bed, standing by the window with a big smile on his face that Jonas can’t help but mirror. 

“Hello, Lito.” Jonas sets the book down and feels along their connection until he sees what Lito is really seeing. He smiles wider when the balcony and the city comes into focus. “Is this your home? It’s lovely.” 

Lito leans back in the chair he’s really sitting in and nods. “Yes, this is the place where the magic happens. For now, we’ll see how that goes. But Hernando went to work and Dani is visiting her mother, so I thought I would come see how you are doing.” 

Jonas inclines his head, taking in the view. “I appreciate it. I’m doing much better.”

“Well I don’t think you could really be doing worse, my friend,” Lito jokes and raises his glass in Jonas’ direction. Jonas laughs. It feels good to laugh, and the drink Lito has is good too, like a fond memory from a party with friends. 

“I wish that were true.” 

Lito hums, nodding seriously and Jonas immediately regrets bringing it up. Being in a safe situation had given him time to devote to processing what had happened to him, and to the rest of his cluster. To Angelica. His blacker moods had been resurfacing in the past few days now that he doesn’t have to bury it to survive. But that doesn’t mean Lito deserves to be exposed to them. 

“My father said something similar before he died,” Lito says and then glances at him from the corner of his eye. “My other father.” 

Jonas stares out at the city. “Ah. Nomi told you?”

“Yes, she and I are very close.” 

“Like you and your father were close?”

Lito smiles, but it’s tight. “I think we would have been, if he had lived longer.” 

“I see.” Jonas reaches out with his mind, letting Lito feel the genuine nature of his words. “I’m sure he would have been very proud of you.” 

_I’m proud._ He thinks but doesn’t say.

Lito shrugs. “Perhaps. I’m proud of me, for once, and I think that’s what really matters now.” 

Jonas looks down, and find himself back in Nomi’s apartment, feeling small and stuck in bed. “I wish I could say the same. I put you all in terrible danger and led you to risk your lives for me.” 

Lito nods, his eyes sharpening. “You were with BPO, yes? The company that hunts us.” 

Jones nods back. “I was, in a way.” 

Lito mirrors him. “You did a bad thing, but then you fixed it. It cost you,” Lito gestures to the bandages poking out of Jonas’ shirt, “And your life will be different now, but you did it all the same. I know what this is like.” 

Jonas leans back, contemplating him. “You do?”

Lito straightens his shoulders. “Yes, and I will tell you all about it. I’m good at telling stories, you know.” He leans forward, now sitting on the edge on the bed. “It involves a villain, a great love story, and a hero.” 

Jonas raises an eyebrow at him, genuinely amused. “Can’t wait to hear it.” 

Lito is right, he is good at telling stories. He paints vivid picture that Jonas has the benefit of tapping into directly, eyes closed, immersed. He falls asleep during the story, but it continues in his dreams, a self-sacrificing hero protecting an innocent and earning his love. Jonas can’t relate, but he can enjoy it and be happy for the man who is not quite his son. 

***

“And this is the best spot in the whole city. Well,” Kala stops herself, turning to give him a small smile. “One of the best.” 

Jonas nods, leaning forward to rest against the stone barrier. They’re standing on top of a building overlooking the city. It’s warm here, Jonas can feel it when he concentrates through Kala, though it’s pleasantly cool in Nomi’s apartment. Still, he can feel the heat of the stone under his arms, and he presses into it more firmly. 

“I can see why, it’s beautiful,” Jonas replies belatedly. Kala gives him space to think, letting him reply in his own time. It’s a strange tour, reminiscent of the tours he took with his own cluster back when he first found them. The excitement has cooled into a quiet kind of wonder, but the basic experience is the same. 

It’s different from most places he’s been, but hauntingly similar all the same. 

“Haven’t you even seen India before?” Kala asks, her voice pulling him back in once again. 

He shakes his head, smiling. “Not as such, no.” 

Kala giggles. “All the minds you've been connected to, and there’s still more to see.” 

“Always, I think.” 

“So there was no one from India in your cluster?” She asks, politely interested. Of all of them, Kala is the most versed in the social graces, the most polite, but also the most perceptive. 

He glances at her out of the corner of his eye, loathe to look away from the city scape while the sun is going down. “Well, technically me.” 

Kala laughs, the sound as pleasant as the rain. He smiles back and turns to face her fully. “But no, not in the way that you mean.” 

“Well, I’m glad that I can show it to you now.” 

“So am I,” he replies, wondering where they’ll go next. “What are the other best spots in the city?” 

She raises an eyebrow at him. “Wouldn’t you like to know?” 

He chuckles and follows behind her when she turns away, leading him back down. 

They had seen the market, the company where Kala works, and the center park. He follows her down the stairs again, thinking back on it all, committing it to memory. 

Kala had appeared in his room at Nomi’s with an almost comically adorable picnic basket and an invitation. Indian food is familiar to him, but he still appreciated the gesture, and the second hand taste. Kala talked about the city, and the country. She pointed out historic sites, the places where old world and new blend and where they splinter. They hadn’t talked about Rajan, or Wolfgang. She hadn’t brought up the issue of him being the father of her cluster. 

She had used ‘was’ instead of ‘is’ when asking about his own cluster, which hints that she knows that they’re dead, but she doesn’t ask. Jonas appreciates the discretion, and doesn’t bring it up again. 

“When you’re better, you should come visit.” 

“I am visiting.” 

She sends him a look, playing at stern. “You know what I mean.” 

He inclines his head, seeing the temple in front of them overlaid with the corkboard and open closet in Nomi’s guest bedroom. “I do, thank you.” 

She turns and stops him with a hand on his arm. “I- I mean it. I’ll help you with whatever you need. Coming home, it can be...healing.” 

Jonas freezes, caught in her abrupt honesty, but she doesn’t waver. He smiles, relaxing in her deceptively light grip. Sighing, he steps forward and brings their foreheads together briefly before stepping back. “Perhaps I will.” 

She nods at him, and they step into the temple together. 

***

Jonas becomes aware of Riley’s presence in a slow slide, a gentle touch at the edge of his mind. 

He had been laying down and silent for most of the night, but not asleep. The press of his emotions at the inside of his skull threaten to crack it open, so he’s found that it’s best to stay very still. To do anything else on nights like this runs the risk of breaking the dam, but he chances it to turn to look at her, perched on the edge of the bed. 

She turns when he does, her wide eyes soft in the night. “Bad night?” Her voice is hoarse. She looks away. “Me too, thinking of her.” 

Talking seems like so much, such an effort when he can see his angel behind his eyes but nowhere else. Riley doesn’t expect it of him. She never seems to, though she’d dropped in on him like this before. But levers himself up, focusing for her sake. 

“Her?”

Riley pales, then she takes a deep breath. “Luna. My daughter.” 

The emotional connection is enough to give him the rest. Jonas moves to her, sitting by her side on her bed with his arm wrapped around her shoulder. She presses into him, not leaning as much as pushing, her hands gripping her knees tightly, knuckles stark white. 

“I-” Riley shakes her head and closes her mouth. 

Jonas leans into her, setting his cheek on top of her head. They sit in silence, Will a sleeping presence behind them, comforting in the light of dawn. The smell of rain sits in the room, slipping from the open window. The floor is wet. He stares at it, his mind curiously blank despite the reasons to the contrary. 

Riley breathes. Eventually, she finds her voice again. 

“I know I’m getting better, but sometimes I’m...not,” she manages, then pulls away suddenly, leaning back to look at him. “Oh, I’m sorry.” 

His eyebrows fly up. “What?” 

“I felt you call to me. I meant to help you, not the other way around.” 

Jonas hums and looks away. “I wouldn’t worry. There’s nothing you can really do.” 

“Not to fix it, no.” 

“No?” Jonas asks, too sharply, feeling old, and jaded. And alone. 

“No. I know.” 

There are impressions, images he doesn’t want to know she’s seen, that she’s lived though. He has them too. Splinters he just makes worse the more he tries to dig them out. But she’s sincere, and she’s there. She understands. 

They lay back down together, sideways on both their beds, on top of the covers. He strokes her hand until she stops shaking. She hums, taking his mind far away. As he drifts, Jonas is reminded of the times when he fell asleep in his parents bed when he was very young, during a storm or after a nightmare. 

He’s not sure which he feels like at the moment, parent or child. 

***

“Ah! This is the best part!” 

“Again?” Jonas smiles and shakes his head, raising his tea cup to his lips. It’s more for Capheus’ benefit than his own; Nomi has a fondness for imported teas, and Capheus had made it his mission to try the teas of the world. 

Capheus elbows him softly in the ribs. “Well you know how it is, it’s so hard to choose!” 

Jonas leans back against the sunken sofa, refocusing on what is turning out to be a very similar film to the one they watched last time. “I’ve never been one for movies.” 

Scoffing, Capheus half turns in Jonas’ direction but keeps his eyes on the screen until the last moment. “It is like picking a favorite child.” 

Jonas’ eyebrows shoot up. “Is that so?” 

“It is. Like how I am _your_ favorite.” 

That startles a laugh out of Jonas, short lived but genuine. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

Capheus holds up his hand. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell the others.” 

Jonas shakes his head as yet another explosion rings out on screen. Van Damme to the rescue again. The hero of endless heart. It was no wonder. 

After the harshness of the emotions he dug up with Riley, Capheus is like a salve. Perceptive enough to be a fine companion, but resilient enough not to dwell. The kind of man to lose his father, watch his mother suffer, and struggle to make ends meet, only to have it strengthen his faith and cement his acceptance of the world. Uncertainty had bred surety in him, not the all consuming dread that sometimes crept upon Jonas, or preyed on Riley’s heart. 

In the next room, Capheus’ mother moves around, a quiet energy. The walls are hung with drapes and colorful images, some covering holes or gouges. A stack of cards sits near Jonas’ elbow, well used at the edges, next to the remnants of last night’s drinks with friends. The practicality of happiness pervades his house, and sinks into Jonas’ bones more and more with every visit. 

Capheus catches him staring. 

“What?” 

Jonas just smiles and looks back at the screen. “Nothing.” 

***

Wolfgang visits Jonas infrequently and almost always by mistake. 

Jonas is enjoying a moment outside when he comes, testing his new freedom. He’s still in pain, still recovering, but it’s all beginning to feel like a reality rather than another life imagined from a cell. He had moved out of Nomi’s apartment at last, finally receiving Kala’s blessing, though she completely failed to see the reasoning behind to change. 

“This obsession with separating lives and living spaces is so-” She had waved her hand, visibly irritated. “Western!” 

Amanita had nodded vigorously as Nomi relayed her words, launching into an impassioned speech on the absurdity of the nuclear family and lawn culture as Nomi smiled at her. But when Jonas managed to catch Nomi’s eye, he could see that she was just as eager as he was to move him out of her guest room. 

“Sorry Amanita.” He said, and catching her hand smoothly and pretending to give it an exaggerated kiss, mischief running through him as Lito laughed in the background. Amanita laughed, delighted, a gave a curtsy. “I’m afraid I’m an Englishman at heart. The principles run deep.” 

“Well I still say there’s nothing wrong with a parent living with his child,” Kala had insisted, resolute. 

Nomi and Jonas both pretended not to hear her, but hugged each other her like his father hugged him before he left to travel the world. 

From there, Jonas found himself a tiny apartment in a building with roof access, and tried not to think too much. 

The city skyline is interesting but similar to most others until it is abruptly superimposed over the northernmost section of Berlin. It’s pervasively damp, and cold, which reminds him of his parent’s house in Manchester and dozens of other places he’d known. It’s only Wolfgang who is unfamiliar, and only by design. 

They stand in silence for long minutes. Jonas breathes and waits, Wolfgang’s cigarette at the back of his throat, until Wolfgang decides to speak. 

“Are you still a threat to us?” 

It’s almost a relief. Jonas had been waiting for him to ask, had dwelled on the same question for hours and hours. 

The easy answer is yes. As long as he’s alive, he’s a threat to their freedom and safety. BPO is not the only monster lurking in the water, and even if it were, new problems would inevitably surface. Jonas is connected to them and therefore part of their vulnerability. It is ever present, but not, Jonas thinks, the threat Wolfgang means. 

He sighs and braces his forearms against the stone wall, feeling it through Wolfgang’s leather jacket. Pressure, temperature, even pain from lingering bruises. Jonas notices them in a detached, clinical way. 

“No, and I won’t be again,” Jonas says, carefully measuring his words. 

Wolfgang hums and flicks the cigarette. “Sure about that?” 

“As sure as possible. Working for BPO was nothing but a mistake.” 

“You make it sound like an office job. But that wasn’t it.” 

The urge to snap, to become defensive, bubbles up. Jonas takes a deep breath and buries it. “No, of course not.” 

“I don’t blame you, not really,” Wolfgang says, cutting him off. “You survived. I’m not one to judge.” 

Jonas doesn’t respond, unsure of where to start. Better to stay silent than to speak without thinking. For once, Wolfgang is the first one to find the words. 

“You know that thing that happens to you when you’re young? You’re not ready, and it happens anyway?” 

Jonas doesn’t turn to look at him, doesn’t try to make him meet his eyes. “Yes.” 

Wolfgang nods, smoke curling around him in waves. “It’s not a...splinter. It doesn’t just stay with you. People say that, but they’re just talking out of their ass. You don’t grow around it, it grows with you. Violence begets violence and all that. A kicked dog learns to bite, fast.” 

He flicks his cigarette again and a tiny flame drops, going out before it hits the ground. Jonas looks at the ash and keeps still. 

“You know I killed him. Or,” Wolfgang shrugs, “you do now. I don’t regret it.” 

Jonas tilts his head. “But?” 

Wolfgang nods. “But.” 

“I regret much of what I’ve done,” Jonas offers, like a piece of meat held out to a dog wedged under a truck in a junkyard, curled in on itself. “But I regret what I’ve lost more so.” 

“Mother.” 

Jonas blinks. “Not- no, she wasn’t.” 

Wolfgang shrugs again, giving Jonas immediate insight into what he was like as a teenager. “She’s the one you let us think created us. We were still connected to her, still saw her die.” 

“Because she was so connected to me,” Jonas responds, successfully ignoring the way his throat wants to close up around the words. “I sent that to you.” 

“Must have been powerful.” 

“It was,” Jonas says, with surprising ease now that he had gotten past the initial shock. It occurs to him that even a few weeks ago he wouldn’t have been able to talk about this except in an instructional way, but he can feel Riley at the back of his mind, her quiet allowance of his grief, and it’s easier.

Wolfgang doesn’t respond, but the scent of Kala’s father’s food drifts over to them, and warmth dusts their skin. They’re a perfect negative of Riley and Will, the internal keeping them apart rather than the external bringing them together. Jonas eases up from where he’d been braced against the stone, physically relaxing himself as Wolfgang’s tension starts to bleed over. 

“Time can be limited. One never knows how much they’ll have with the ones they love.” 

That earns him a sharp glare. Wolfgang’s hand tighten on the stone, his knuckles turning bright white before he lets go to turn away.

“No?” He asks over his shoulder. “We made time.” 

“For now,” Jonas says, but Wolfgang is already gone. 

***

Imprisonment suits no one, but it does not seem to hit Sun as hard as Jonas would have expected. Considering that she’s the one who stood on the grass at sunrise and practiced her connection with herself. She’s the one who stared out at the sky the most, a cigarette held loosely between her fingers. Jonas had watched her, quietly, from his cell. 

Perhaps her connection with the others is strong enough to overcome the pervading sense of fear, even in solitary. Still, it is difficult for her, and Jonas visits her frequently now that he’s allowing himself access to all of them. Her silence draws him in, likely because it most frequently matched his own. 

The days blend together in a familiar way here, though there’s more boredom than terror. He does what he can to help her, but every moment spent with Sun is a moment of being quietly processed. 

“You feel responsible for me.” 

Jonas pauses mid-word and glances up from the book in his lap. He’d been reading to her from a book of poems Ananita had pressed into his hands with a wink. He hadn’t understood why until he’d found Nomi’s note stuck to the inside cover. _We think this guy was probably a sensate, let us know what you think - NM_ Amanita had added her own postscript at the bottom as well; _more importantly, poems beautiful!_

Sun stares at him from across the narrow space and from the desk chair in his new and mostly empty living room. There’s no accusation in her tone, it’s simply a statement. Her simplicity is deceptive in its openness, like water so clear you can no longer see that it’s meters and meters deep. Those that underestimate her can drown. 

He snaps the book closed, perceptive enough at least to know that they’re done for the day. “In a way I _am_ responsible for you. This prison, it’s nothing compared to what could still happen to you. What I could have led you to.” 

Her honesty is contagious, sharpening his tongue. Wolfgang has a similar effect, though Jonas is more likely to tread carefully there. Emotional honesty is one thing. He’s not this open with the others when it comes to the harsh reality of their existence, with the exception of Will. But that initial closeness had long withered away. 

Her head tilts to one side, a now familiar gesture. “That would not have been your fault.” 

Jonas hums and strokes the spine of the book, his conversation with Wolfgang burning at the back of his mind. “I’ve done many things that directly contributed to the danger you were in. Collaborated.” 

“Not so dissimilar to my father. He participated in putting me here. Put me down all my life.” She settles back against the wall, like a puppet with the strings cut. “He also realized he was wrong. Put himself at risk for me.” 

“But unlike me, he did not survive the experience.” 

Sun shakes her head. “He told me that he did not sleep after I came here. How did you sleep?” 

“It varied. I think it’s different when it’s your own child.” 

“Or brother.” 

Jonas inclines his head. “Or one of your cluster.” 

It has the desired effect of refocusing her, pulling her away from the downward spiral that is her dilemma. “Did you?” 

“I was involved in events that led to their deaths.” 

“Involved in events.” 

“Whether I was observing or participating is up for debate.” 

“Not to you.” 

“No. I let them down,” he manages, but only because there is no judgement in her eyes. 

Sun isn’t like some of the others, she lets him get it out without the crying and carrying on. He doesn't have the strength for that anymore. He did his crying for his other selves with Angelica, his crying for Angelica with Riley. Sun doesn’t even try to touch him. 

He simply wants to talk about them, to honor them. Sun gives him that. In return, he gives her everything he can, and keeps a sharp eye on the movements of certain actors in the South Korean business world. 

***

It has been a remarkably simple thing to avoid Will, even when it shouldn’t be. He is, after all, living with Riley, whom Jonas sees frequently and with Will’s full knowledge. The only way he could have managed it for this length of time is with help, which means that Will is equally as wary about seeing him as Jonas is about seeing Will. 

If the others catch on, they give no sign. Jonas is left free to conduct his affairs, busy with setting up a new life for himself just as Will is busy reconstructing his old one. Avoidance had served him well for years, kept him alive. Even so, it doesn’t sit well with him now. 

Nomi is ‘wise to his game’ as she puts it, though she leaves him be. 

“I never thanked you for saving my life,” she says, mildly, as Amanita rearranges his kitchen ‘for his own good’ in the background. It’s a small space, a studio meant for a starving college student, but Jonas had developed an appreciation for a living space without corners. They had gotten him at home, the first time. 

He blinks himself out of the memories and smiles indulgently at her. “It was Will who saved your life.” 

“Jonas,” Nomi warns, and he hides behind his cup of tea while he formulates his response. Nomi had done far too much sharing and soul searching in her life to tolerate the strategies he shares with Wolfgang and Sun, always pushing him into the light with Capheus and Kala instead. He sets his mug down on the already stained table, giving up the pretence. 

“Nomi,” he cautions back, making her smirk. 

“Thank you.” 

“You’re welcome,” he says, and makes sure she understands that she means it. He would have done it for any of them. He was pleased to do it for her, even in his darker moments, even when he worried that she fell the same way he did. 

Amanita all but dances back over to them, announcing that she had ‘fixed’ everything and was ready to go. Jonas thanks her and doesn’t bother to check on his things. He’ll move it around later, when her interest has moved on to other projects. For now he’s happy to allow her to arrange and rearrange his apartment as much as she wants, just as long as she brings Nomi with her. 

Nomi, who obviously knows this, smirks at him as she stands up. “We better get going.” 

He gets a kiss on the cheek from Amanita and a smile from Nomi as they leave. It is only in their absence that Will’s subtle presence becomes clear. Jonas sighs and turns in his chair to see Will by the window, arms crossed. “I suppose it serves me right for talking about you.” 

The corner of Will’s mouth twitches. “Are we admitting to avoiding each other now? Ok.” 

“Take it from me, there’s no point in pretending.” 

Will uncrosses his arms to rub at the back of his head. “Yeah. You should see Wolfgang on a bad day. It’s like listening to a skipping disk.” 

“I’m familiar with the sensation.” Jonas stands and picks up his mug. “Would you like anything?” 

“No thanks, I’m about to get food with Riley,” Will says, and then they’re waiting outside the train platform, rush hour traffic all around them. 

Jonas nods, his eyes on the mob. “Perhaps this is a conversation for another time then.” 

“Nah.” Will leans back against the wall, sticking his hands in his pockets. “Train’s always late anyway. What conversation?” 

“Presumably one of the many we need to have.” 

“Like you being our father?”

“For example.” 

Will nods, running his tongue over his teeth. A nervous habit. “Well. It’s not exactly the first thing you’ve lied about. So there’s that.” 

Jonas breathes carefully and leans against his countertop. “Lying is a survival tactic.” 

“I know,” Will looks up and meets his eyes from across the room. “You know I know that now. It didn’t have to come between us though. That was your call.” 

“Like you lying to your father?” Jonas prods, maybe unkindly. “Is that what this is about?” 

For a moment, Will is very still. Then he shrugs. “Did you ever tell yours?” 

“Of course not.” He smiles, trying to reign the conversation back in. “There are very few Amanita’s in the world.” 

Will smiles back. “You three really get along.” 

“I see much of myself in Nomi. Pragmatism, a willingness to break the rules for the greater good.”

Will doesn’t respond, just stands and watches him, waiting him out like the officer he is. Jonas considers what else he might say, and decides on what he least wants to admit. “When I first woke and heard her voice, I believed that she might have turned.” 

Will blinks. “You mean- turned to BPO? Started working for them?” 

Jonas nods. Will is quiet for a long moment, then he sighs. “One of the things you have to learn as a cop is that everyone is capable of terrible stuff, even murder, under the right circumstances.”

“Such as encouraging your-” Jonas cuts himself off, regretting not choosing his words more carefully. He always does, can always stop and think. Some of the cluster playfully refer to Jonas as their father. He can’t imagine Will being one of them. He goes in a different direction. 

“Of all of you, Nomi is most capable of seeing the bigger picture.” 

“Is that what you did?” 

“In part. I also lost sight of myself, but that’s another point entirely.” 

“Not just yourself,” Will responds, real pain building under his voice. The crux of the issue is there, under their skin. 

Jonas nods. “It’s not entirely true that we can’t hide anything from each other. We could avoid it for the rest of our lives, however long they last. But it would make us...heavy, poison the connection. I let it happen with my own cluster and survived it.” 

“Barely.” Will nudges him with his shoulder, startling a short laugh out of him. Then Will shakes his head. “But I’d rather not.” 

“Of course not.” Jonas leans away to look Will in the eye. His son. It sounds correct in his mind even if it’s not a term Will ever uses. He encouraged his son to kill himself. 

Loss threatens to overwhelm him, a familiar sensation made no less terrorizing by its frequency in his life- in all their lives. The potential loss of a child, of a mentee, a person that came from him. Riley’s actual loss. It chokes him, steals his breath. Will’s hand lands on his shoulder. 

Jonas inhales, carefully. “I should have believed in you.” 

Will lets out a slow breath and nods. “Yeah, maybe you should have, but I should have believed in you too. I felt how we were connected, and I ignored it. I did what I thought was right, but I was wrong. Can you forgive me, Jonas?”

Jonas nods back and Will smiles. “Then I forgive you too.” 

The sound of yet another train whistle rings out, and Will’s neck snaps up, his eyes searching. Jonas smiles as Riley and Kala appear between them, smiling at each other, both in the train and outside of it. 

“Do you think that Schrodinger was a sensate?” Nomi asks, from behind him. 

Jonas doesn’t look away from the approach. “Perhaps.” 

“What?” Capheus waves a hand, apparently continuing their conversation. “No. People would know that. He would have written more.” 

“So it’s a coincidence?” Lito asks from Nomi’s kitchen, and roll his eyes. “Please.” 

Kala nods at him approvingly. Sun shakes her head. 

Wolfgang says nothing, but nods at Jonas when he catches his eye. Jonas nods back, but is distracted when Riley departs the train physically, her mind and body catching up with each other in a smooth transition. She hugs Jonas and takes Will’s hand automatically, but both of them are caught up in different mental conversations, present in multiple spaces. Jonas watches them manage it all, not stumbling, not at risk. 

He turns to go, but Will catches him by the arm, gently pulling him back in. Jonas turns back, eyebrows raised. Will grins and lets go, sticking his hands in his pockets, Riley’s arm looped around his like a band. 

“You know, you’re not my dad.” 

Jonas straightens his spine. “Of course.” 

Will leans in on crowded train platform, the people mixed in with the nine of them, churning and loud. “But you are my father.” 

Then he’s gone, the train station disappearing as Jonas finds himself back in his empty apartment. But not alone.

**Author's Note:**

> find me on tumblr for more nonsense, paradiamond.tumblr.com


End file.
